Love That Could Ruin My Life
by Rexa13
Summary: Freddie and Carly are going out again. For some reason Sam can't stand the relationship and when she realizes that she loves her best friend she doesn't know what to do. T for some mature language.
1. Chapter 1

Rexa13: Sooo this little fic came out of no where. I'm sorry if any of it seems out of character. I'm just trying to have it fit a certain tone while I try to make it fit the characters.

Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly, or anything for that matter, like Sharpie.

-x-x-x-x-

There was always a nice flowery scent in Carly's neat and organized room. Even though I wasn't like like Carly, all neat and clean, I still loved the way her room looked and smelled. Sometimes I would get jealous that she had so many awesome things but I did spend most of my time at her apartment anyways.

Lately there was less of an appeal of coming to Carly's house. Instead of hanging out with my best friend like I normally would, I now had to sit around and be the third wheel to her and Freddie. Sure they had dated before but it was never like this. It was more of how Freddie and I had dated, being all over each other and such.

So I tried to get out of Carly's some but it's hard when you don't really have any friends and staying home watching my mom sit around and bitch or be with her boyfried was what I had to do. I didn't want to do any of that bogus stuff so I would suck it up and continue hanging out at Carly's. I could always raid her fridge and get into crazy situations with Spencer and Gibby after all.

Today we were in Carly's fresh scented room. I was laying on Carly's bed reading an article about monster trucks in a magazine while Carly and Freddie sat on her couch talking quietly. Occasionally I would glance at the two and glare or roll my eyes. I don't know how Carly put up with mine and Freddie's relationship. I also didn't know how much longer I would be able to take this feeling in my chest.

As I took a sip of my orange juice I pondered this ache in my chest that I would get at the mere thought of Freddie and Carly being together. It didn't make sense that I was feeling about this. I was perfectly fine when Freddie went on the extremely rare date with another girl and I was fine when Carly went out on dates or had boyfriends.

Carly and Freddie had been together for like three weeks now. Every time they even looked at each other I felt sick. At first I thought it might be because I still had feelings for Freddie but I knew that couldn't be it because it had been months since we were together. I had gone on a couple dates myself and found that I was content being without him. So I don't understand how or why I would feel like this.

_'Knock it off Pucket. You're just getting yourself worked up over nothing,'_ I thought trying to get back to the article in front of me. My stomach growled as I lazily looked at the page and a half long article.

"Whelp while you two love birds do whatever it is you do I'm going to go get some grub," I said tossing the magazine on the bed.

"Again?" Carly asked giggling. She hardly even looked at me as she asked.

"Yeah its like you just got back," Freddie said.

"Yeah yeah whatever," I rolled my eyes. I was starting to get an annoyance that only meat could settle. I knew there was chicken and ham in Carly's fridge and they had been calling my name all day.

"Okay have fun," Carly said going back to her and Freddie's conversation that would most likely lead to kissing the second I walked out of the room. At least they had the decency to do that.

"Yeah you two," I mumbled knowing that even if they heard me they would just ignore it.

Spencer was in the living room with Gibby. The two were talking about some stupid show they were watching. Just like Freddie and Carly upstairs, the guys didn't even know I was around. It wasn't a surprise to see me in the kitchen though so I couldn't blame them, yet I really wanted a bit of attention. I was about ready to pick a fight.

"Whoa Spence," I called when I looked in the fridge and couldn't find the ham.

Spencer screamed a bit obviously surprised by my presence. It took a second before he was able to answer me. "Uh yeah?"

"What happened to that attractive ham that was just in here like fifteen minutes ago?" I asked moving around some leftovers that smelled good.

"Oh Gibby and I ate it. There wasn't much left," Spencer replied.

"But it was delicious," Gibby said.

"Yeah it was," Spencer agreed before the two gave each other a high five.

"Ugh," I groaned closing the fridge and walking to the door. Before I opened it I looked at the guys for a split second. They looked happy while they talked about the cartoon that was on the television.

"You leaving?" Spencer asked. I was surprised he even noticed I was leaving.

"Uh I'm gonna go to the Groovy Smoothie. There's probably something there to eat," I said. I didn't wait for anything else to be said. I just needed some time alone, even though it seemed that's all I ever got these days.

The walk to the Smoothie felt nice. The fresh Seattle air really helped to clam me down. Though I did miss the cleaner smell of Carly's bedroom. At the thought of why I left and the couple inside I really wished I didn't miss it. They probably wouldn't even notice that I was gone.

I entered the shop quickly and was thankful that there was no line. The shop was often busy at this time of day. But there were only a couple people in the shop. The bright neon lights kept the shop looking big and open. T-Bo was behind the counter with a stick that looked like it had sone sort of baked good on it.

"Hey T-Bo," I said as I walked over to the counter.

"Sam," T-Bo greeted with a large smile as he turned around. On his stick was cucakes that looked a bit messy. "Where's Carly and uh that tech boy you dated...Freddie or whatever."

I couldn't help but smile at the fact that T-Bo forgot Freddie's name. It was actually quite comforting that the couple's names weren't instantly put together. But then I remembered that they were together and my smile faded.

"Eh they're in Carly's room probably making out," I said as though I didn't care. "Now do you think I could get my usual?"

"Of course," T-Bo said before looking at his stick. "Cupcake? They're only eight bucks a dozen."

The thought of the sweet was very good sounding. They would even complement my beloved smoothie. "Sure T-Bo I'll take some," I said taking out my wallet and pulling out the money I needed to pay.

Within five minutes I was enjoying my purchased goods. I wasn't paying much attention though. I couldn't get Carly and Freddie out of my head. I hardly even noticed when T-Bo sat down and then it took me another few seconds to realize that he had actually joined me.

"Can I help you?" I asked looking at the man. He was looking at me his cupcakes still in hand.

"What's wrong with you girl?" T-Bo asked looking a bit concerned. "You've been coming here alone everyday looking really lost."

"What nothing," I said looking down. "I've just been thinking about stuff for iCarly. I can't think with a couple eating each others faces "

"Ew," T-Bo said and I laughed a bit. "But you have all dated each other a zillion times so that doesn't seem like the real problem. Does someone maybe still have feelings for a certain nerd?"

"No way. Freddie and I are back to out weird friendship that consists of beatings and lots of bets. Then Carly and I will always be best friends."

"Mhmm. Well maybe you're jealous of this couple that is always all over each other. Maybe you don't love one of them but being a third wheel isn't always fun. I had these friends one time..."

I didn't really care to listen to T-Bo's story. But this wasn't because I was a lazy jerk, it was more of what T-Bo had said. _"Maybe you don't love one of them."_ What did he mean by that? Was he insisting that there was a chance that I was in love with Freddie, which would have been possible months ago, but in love with Carly? He had to mean in a bestfriend way.

"...And it was like that duck was their baby. I swear they had bottle fed it and everything," T-Bo continued oblivious to the fact that I wasn't paying attention.

-x-

That night I dreamed about Carly. I can't lie, I've dreamt about her like this before. But I never thought anything of it. I mean I had romantic dreams about bacon before. There was something different about this dream though. When I woke up I was sweating and my heat was pounding. I felt sad that I was awake and what T-Bo said was starting to make sense to me.

"Samantha if you don't get up this instant I'm going to kick down this damn door," my mom shouted as she pounded on said door.

I had been awake listening to her scream for ten or so minutes. My cat was looking agitated while he was curled up next to me. Sometimes it seemed he didn't like my mom more than I did.

"Okay I'm up," I snapped petting the cat lightly making sure he wouldn't freak out about all the raised voices. "I'm surprised she's up to wake us up."

As I got ready I couldn't stop thinking about my dream. It was simple one where Carly and I were just cuddling on her more than comfortable bed. It felt so right holding her in my arms as she rested her head on my chest. Her hair smelled like strawberries which went so well the floral scent of her room. We didn't even need to kiss for everything to feel so perfect.

What T-Bo said was really screwing me up. Now I was starting to think I was in love with Carly, my bestfriend since elementary school, my practical sister. I couldn't believe that I was even thinking about this. It would make a lot more sense to be thinking about Freddie.

"I'm just thinking too hard," I tried to convince myself before I walked out the door to get on my way to school. "That's got to be it."

"What are you over there mumbling about?" My mom asked from our very stained couch.

"Nothing," I sighed. "Why don't you go back to bed?"

Sometimes I would swear my mom was tweaking. It was like she was hardly eating these days and she was awake at strange hours. I was used to her waking up around one and working night shifts. I didn't even know if she had her job anymore she did have boyfriends to keep us in our crappy tiny apartment.

It took a little while to get to school. Sometimes Carly would give me a ride in her new old car. All three of us had gotten our licenses recently but only Carly had a car. It wasn't the nicest thing ever but it was exciting for her to have a car. But sometimes I was stuck taking the two buses and four block walk to school. On these days I was always a little late, not like I cared that much.

Today however, I wasn't enjoying my time as much as I usually did. The way to school could always be a thrill with the tons of fights erupting on the bus. There was a lot you could see on buses in large cities. But today I wasn't watching or making havoc. All I could think about was Carly. I was really feeling like I was going insane.

Once I got to school I knew I had to pay a bit of attention. Finals were coming up and I was going to have to work my ass off if I wanted to pass this year. I wouldn't want to have to spend five years in highschool, and if I continued to be this lazy that was going to happen. I would _hate_ to have two more years of highschool.

"Driving school was better than this place," I sighed as I rummaged through my locker. I didn't even know what class I was going to be in right now. There was ten more minutes until school started and I really needed Carly to remind me of my days classes.

"There you are," a too familiar voice said and my heart started to flutter.

"Hey," I said looking at Carly who was hand in hand with Freddie. My fast heartbeat slowed as my heart sank. I knew I didn't sound like my normal self either.

"Why haven't you answered any of my texts? I could have given you a ride this morning," Carly looked at me with concern in her eyes. "Spencer said you went to the Groovy Smoothie last night and you never came back."

"Yeah I had some homework to do. You know I like to have D's and maybe a C before finals," I answered looking away.

"Are you okay?" Carly asked.

I pulled out my english book remembering that was my first class. "Yeah I'm perfectly okay," I lied before closing the locker door and walked past Carly who looked even more concerned.

It was true. I was in love with Carly. I had only ever gone out with guys, I didn't even know I could like girls, or a girl. But here I was totally in love with my best friend. Realizing things about yourself was always totally scary, especially when it concerned your sexuality. Being this way could easily destroy everything for me, and if I ever told her, Carly.

_'Pfft I can take care of myself,_' I thought rolling my eyes. I could beat up everyone at the school and I had already foought a good number of people. _'Anyone that messes with Carly knows they'll end up in a hospital._' I had already fought a number of people for Carly's sake. I wasn't going to let anyone mess with either of us.

But this information could ruin our friendship. Sure Freddie, Carly, and I had always remained friends as we went through our crushes on each other. Freddie and Carly were friends for years while Freddie crushed on her. They were together now, though. If I told Carly how I felt then she could tell Freddie and it could make everything awkward. The friendship that would be strained the most was mine and Freddie's.

I could hardly focus in class, not that I could focus on boring teachers anyways. I just doodled on a piece of paper and thought about what I was going to do. I didn't know how I was going to face Carly at passing periods or lunch. She was going to ask what was going on with me every chance she got. The more I brush it off the worse it was goiing to get.

"Can I use the restroom?" I asked raising my hand.

"Sam I'm in the middle of a lecture. These are valuable notes if you want to pass the class."

"I won't be gone long. If I was I would just leave," I snapped. I stood up and walked to the door where the pass hung on the doorknob.

"Hurry up Ms. Puckett," was the reply I got as I walked out the door.

It was annoying dealing with teachers. They always wanted you to sit there for an hour and really work. I don't see how anyone could do it when it was so boring. I knew that there was always a lot of drama going around this school so people must have had the hardest times trying to get the best grades they could.

I made my way to the restroom as quickly as I could. I didn't really have to go but I didn't feel like dealing with someone telling me to hurry up and get back to class. Besides the restroom could be a good place to listen to the laughable gossip. Writing on the bathroom walls was always fun too.

Luckily, I didn't see anyone in the bathroom. I always went to the one with the worst plumbing because it had the most interesting doodles and writing. When girls didn't care about going to the bathroom they would come here to fix their hair or make up. During class it wasn't full of girls primping and chatting, which made ditching a few minutes of class a bit more bearable.

I went into the largest stall at the end. It was the stall that had a wall running along it so it was more difficult to tell if it was in use. There was a lot more space to mark the walls. This is where girls went if they really had something to get off their chest or a larger piece of art in mind. The walls were littered were of marker and the occasional pencil marks. Writing in pencil _was always the dumb because it got covered a good deal of the time._

For a couple minutes I just looked at the newest additions. The spaces left were really beginning to be limited. I didn't have any intentions of writing on the wall but after I looked at new stuff I got an idea.

I took the sharpie out of my pocket and found a good sized spot to write. It was a couple inches abouve the toilet and I could write large if I wanted to. I began to write as neatly as I could muster. If I wrote in my normal crappy handwriting then everyone would know it was Samantha Puckett writing this shocking news.

_'I'm in love with a girl.'_ I wrote. I even put a little border around it so it would be noticable. I didn't care if anyone saw it and it became the biggest piece of gossip. I just wanted to get it out of my head. I could honestly say writing it on a bathroom wall really helped.

-x-x-x-x-

Rexa13: I'll try to update this as soon as possible. I don't know how many chapters it'll have. The next one will probably be the conclusion.


	2. Chapter 2

Rexa13: Wow it has been way too long since I have been on. I never had any intentions of this being a multi-chapter story but I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbled.

Disclaimer: I don't own things...

-x-x-x-x-

It didn't take very long before I heard rumors of a girl loving another girl. Even though I wasn't the gossiping type there was never anyway for a person to keep their life private at school. I've watched enough television to know that it was pretty normal for things to spread and interesting rumors spread like wildfire. It just so happens that the one sentence I wrote on the bathroom wall was interesting enough to make it back to me in only a few hours.

I had been eating lunch when I was told. It was a good meal, a sandwich with grilled chicken that wasn't dry, a bag of chips, and a milk that I stole upon entering the cafeteria. I was almost done with my sandwich when Ryan Thompson and a couple of his friends sat down.

Ryan wasn't a bad kid. Okay he was a bad kid in most people's heads but definitely not mine. He and his crew would often aid me in whatever stunts I wanted to pull. It was a plus that he was pretty attractive with shaggy medium brown hair, jade green eyes, tan skin, and a pretty buff body. It's crazy how I could go from thinking about how beautiful Carly is to thinking about Ryan just a moment later.

"Hey Puckett," Ryan greeted me in his deeper voice.

"Hi," I replied between bites.

"So did you hear that there is a lesbian at our school?" Ryan asked with a grin.

"Aren't there a couple?" I asked as nonchalant as possible. "Don't we even have one of those clubs for gay kids at this school?"

"Yeah we do but this isn't one of them," said Cody Springer. I didn't like Cody much. He was useful for blaming a prank on since he had a bad record as well but other than that I didn't like him. There was just something about him that always put me on edge. If he talked too much the hairs on my arms would even stick up. I seemed to be the only one with this problem though.

"How would you even know something like that?" I asked. I was beginning to get a bit curious over why the guys would come talk to me. I couldn't say I wasn't getting a bit nervous.

_'I couldn't have been figured out, at least not yet,'_ I thought as I shoved a chip in my mouth. There wasn't anyone in the bathroom to see me write. Then how could they know for sure that someone else didn't write it? I may not be all feminine or anything but I knew there were others possible suspects at school.

"Some of them were asked and they denied it," Cody said. I wouldn't have doubted it was him who asked them. "They seemed really excited at a potential new club member though."

The idea of joining a club made me want to laugh. If people knew it was me the invitation would be taken off the table. Not like I cared. I'm obviously not the type for school clubs. That and I'm not sure I'm even allowed to join clubs at the school anymore. With all the things I've done I have to say it's pretty fair that I'm not.

"Well that's cool I guess," I said. "Is there any reason I'm being told?"

"There's a couple," Cody said with a perverted look in his eye. The grin that was spreading on his face made me really want to punch him.

"Such as?"

"Well the first one is we saw you after we heard," Toby Emerson started to explain. He was a decent kid. He was quiet and more the brains of an operation. "Then we were wondering if it was you."

My stomach started to flip and my palms got clammy. Even in this state I knew I had to keep any suspicion away from me. So instead of letting any nerves show I let out a laugh.

"You kids are moronic," I said after a few seconds of laughter. "Just because I could beat any of you guys up doesn't mean I like girls. Sorry to burst your bubble."

"That kinda sucks," Cody frowned. "You're cute enough that it would have been interesting to see."

"Cody you're looking a bit creepy," Ryan looked at his friend while shaking his head. He and Toby were smart enough to know when to keep their mouths shut.

"Don't talk to me like that again Cody. I'll punch you next time you say something that stupid."

"No need to get violent Sam," Ryan said trying to do damage control. I still didn't want to be around them much longer, nor did I want to have any schemes with them in the near future.

"There's Carly and Freddie. You kids will need to leave now," I replied dryly. I knew the tone in my voice would get them to go away.

"See ya then," Ryan said as he stood up. Toby and Cody followed behind him.

While I waited for Carly and Freddie to reach me I was trying to keep a good hold on my composure. It was hard having people ask you about a rumor a couple short hours after the incident. Even without any witnesses I was able to become a suspect. Sometimes having a masculine way wasn't very good for a girl. If those three had the nerve to ask me then there were other people thinking it could be me as well.

"Omg," Carly squealed when she sat down. It was things like this that made me wonder how I could end up falling for her. Maybe I was hanging out with guys too much...

"What is it?" I asked with a sigh. I may not be a gossip but Carly can be. She says she's not and you can tell she tries not to be but she is.

"Someone wrote that they had a thing for a girl in the dirty bathroom," Carly said as though she had been dying to tell me.

"Okay," I said.

"That was my reaction," Freddie rolled his eyes. "It doesn't really matter. I wouldn't doubt that it's fake."

"Something tells me this isn't just a rumor, and by something I don't mean my peers," Carly said before getting a dreamy look in her eyes. "If it were a lie I'd be sad. It's so wrong to lie about something as meaningful as love.

"It's probably a prank," I suggested. "Someone probably wrote it for attention or a guy could have snuck into the bathroom."

"There is no way it was a guy. I went and saw it for myself. The writing was way too neat to be a guys. Then I don't think someone would have made it look so nice if it was a prank."

"If you try to pull a prank you have to make it noticeable, well a prank like that anyways," I said. "Don't read into it much Carly. I'm sure you'll have new gossip by next week."

"I don't gossip," Carly pouted causing my heart to skip a beat.

For the first time in my life I felt as though I had lost my appetite. Usually I could eat in any situation, even if it was disgusting. But sitting here and feeling myself turn to puddy in Carly's hands wasn't making me feel so great. How much longer was I going to have to suffer because of this?

Now that I look back it probably wasn't a very wise idea to make my feelings known. I could have wrote on the bathroom wall, that's fine, but I shouldn't have made it to where everyone's attention would be directed to it.

"Sure you don't gossip babe," Freddie smiled at Carly and took her hand in his. He even kissed it which made me wish that Cody was back so I could punch him.

I packed up all my things and stood up. "I'm going to go break something," I grumbled.

-x-

By the next week the rumor was still in existence. It was headed to the back burner since there were really no leads on who wrote it. It had already taken so many turns and twists that it made most of the girls in the school a suspect. Someone had even confronted Carly saying they heard it was her.

The longer that people talked about it the worse I felt. I was finding that things like losing my appetite was becoming a pretty common thing. I wasn't sleeping or eating and if I did schoolwork then I know I wouldn't be able to do that very well. No one even seemed to notice that I was deteriorating right in front of them.

"I feel bad for whoever professed their love on that stupid wall," Carly said one day in her room.

While the conversation seemed pretty random to Freddie and I it was probably very relevant to Carly. She was so connected with people and she spent so much time texting and on social networking sites. Sometimes it was like she was addicted to keeping in touch with them. I wonder what she would do without her phone.

"Why is that?" Freddie asked.

"Because people are still talking about it some. We should leave whoever she is alone and let her rest. It isn't right to be talking about her and her love life," Carly explained before sighing.

"You're such a girl," I chuckled. On the inside I was all smiles. Even Carly felt it was wrong that people were still tormenting me indirectly. If she knew it was me she would be more adamant about these thoughts.

_'If she knew it was me and it was her I was talking about would she still be ranting like this?'_ I thought biting a nail. I may not be able to eat like a regular person anymore but biting at my nails was becoming a comfort. It was weird how people didn't notice the nervous tic that I was forming.

I looked at Carly who looked so sad. It made me feel blue seeing Carly without a peppy smile on her face. I wished there was something I could do to make her feel better. Letting her know about these feelings of mine wouldn't help anyone or anything in the slightest. Telling her about my feelings would only make things worse for all of us. I didn't have any intentions of telling her my feelings in the first place but this just solidified it.

While I thought about this I also thought that Carly would be adamant even if she knew the truth. She was good to her core and she would stick up for me no matter what. I wasn't going to try anything though.

"It is pretty sad that people can't keep their mouths shut about it," Freddie agreed.

"Even though I think it's wrong I can't help but want to know who it is," Carly admitted. "I want to give her a hug for being so brave and as an apology. I've been talking about this a lot too so I owe her one."

"I'm sure she's just fine," I said as though I was bored. In a way I was bored. It was annoying having people talk about me and not be able to do anything. If I were to do something about it or say that the girl should be left alone then I would only become a target. I was probably already a major suspect who was talked about through text and the internet.

"You never know," Carly shrugged, "This could be eating her alive."

'_You have no idea.'_

-x-x-x-x-

Rexa13: I know that this chapter is much shorter compared to the last one but it's around 4"30 in the morning and I'm sleepy. I should be able to update more since I only have three days of school and graduation left. The next chapter should probably be more interesting too. Review time!


	3. Chapter 3

Rexa13: So I know I have been neglecting my writing, but now that I am figuring out what I want to do with my life I want to start more. I'll try to update more often.

Disclaimer: I don't own things. It's too much of a hassle to even try.

-x-x-x-x-

_'What am I?'_ I wondered as I looked at my ceiling. I had been avoiding this question ever since I came to terms with loving Carly. It was actually pretty scary to think about. I didn't even know if loving a girl was a onetime thing or not.

I tried to remember other times in my life where I found myself wanting to be with another female. Sure they weren't bad looking, they were kind of appealing, but I had always gone after guys. Girls were so weak and fragile and guys weren't so much drama. Sometimes girls being all girly would make me want to gag. That usually included when they went gaga over a guy though.

There was the time that I was really into Freddie. The emotions were so intense and I knew that they meant something. He was cute, sweet, nerdy, and not very masculine. I had never really felt that way about another guy. I thought there were lots of cute guys and occasionally I would find myself with a crush. As expected nothing would ever really work out.

The more I thought about me and my sexuality the more confused I felt. I didn't know who I could even talk to about what I was going through. My friends couldn't know or else Carly would know my feelings for her. My mom couldn't know because that would just cause more problems with her. She wasn't very crazy about homosexuality. I felt so alone with it all.

_'Maybe the internet,'_ I thought. The computer was in the living room and since it was night time my mom was probably in bed, and somehow not alone. There was a good chance that I would be able to get on and read and do research, but there was always a chance of my mom catching me. Going on a public computer would mean an even greater chance of being found out. I could use the internet on my phone, but that was slow and not too reliable.

After a moment of debating I slowly and quietly got out of bed. I tiptoed out of my room and down the hall. Once in the living room I walked normally, being careful to avoid running into anything or stepping in a mess. If I wasn't so lazy and didn't hate it so much I would clean this place up.

The computer was already on. Mom had probably used it to order something stupid off the internet. She was always buying random junk. I wondered where she got money for it all. I would have to make sure to clear the internet history after I was done. I didn't want mom to look and see what I was doing.

I went straight to a search engine and looked up girls liking girls. It probably wasn't the best search, but it was the first thing I thought of. I weaved my way through all the porn and read about a lot of lesbian and bi chicks. There were a lot of questions or discussions on forums and a lot of links to pages for social networking sites.

After about fifteen minutes I wasn't too satisfied with my search. I then cleared the entry and began to type in something new. '_Realizing you love a same sex best friend.'_ Again it wasn't very creative and it brought up a lot of results. I had to find my way through some more porn, which was kind of annoying. It didn't take long to find a lot of forums of people talking about how they found themselves in a similar situation as me.

_'And I thought I was the only one.'_ Okay so I knew I wasn't exactly alone in the way I felt. I just didn't think I would see so many people feeling the same way. A bit of sympathy ran through me since I knew how crummy it was to feel this way.

Part of me felt even worse now that I had gotten on the computer and read about these people. School was definitely wrong. It did not pay to have a lot of information. I wondered why they didn't focus on anything gay in school. I think we had one of those clubs, there was no way in hell you'd see me in a club. We never learned anything in class though. Why weren't there any books about gay people in English? They didn't even need to be all about gays, they just needed to include it as a theme. They try to teach about overcoming adversity, yet they left out such a major group. Why didn't that club fight for books in school? I liked reading and I would like it a lot more if I read something with that kind of theme.

-x-

I didn't really mind Carly dragging me around to the library. She went for schoolbooks or a place to study. I didn't like how quiet and restrained everything was. Libraries had too many rules. Today was different though, because I was going to get books.

When Carly was looking at the latest magazines, I slipped away. First I went to the nonfiction section where I was able to locate a small section for the LGBTQ. I had no idea what the Q meant, but I could find that out later. I grabbed a couple of the more interesting looking books and put them in my bag. After that I rejoined Carly. I really wanted to get more books. I couldn't really chance it though. It was easier to sneak off with a couple books rather than a lot of books.

I was so impatient to get home and start reading that I almost took a chance and started right there in the library. I knew I wouldn't really get a chance until I was safe and sound at home. I'd probably have to put a chair under my door so my mom wouldn't come in. Not getting caught would be worth the yelling, the argument.

"Sam look at what he said," Carly was smiling and obviously into an article she was reading.

I looked at the page and saw it was something about a hunky teen guy. Carly had been talking about him recently. He was in some boy band or something. How he got in an article in a magazine was beyond me. She was probably looking at one that is specifically for teeny-boppers.

"Yeah that's cool," I said to appeal to her. I wanted to rush, but then Carly would know I was stealing books. I couldn't afford to let that happen. She would either make me put them back or she would want to see what I was taking.

-x-

I went to the library every day. I was getting so lost in books, even the nonfiction ones. I don't know why I wasn't interested in the gay community before. I really wished people would bring more attention to them, because they weren't so bad at all. I think I preferred them over most other people.

There were a lot of suicides from gay teens. There was so much discrimination and hate in the world. I could only imagine how many gay people I bullied. Okay, I never bullied them because of sexual orientation, but my rudeness couldn't have helped anything. While I was beginning to have a change of heart, I wasn't going to stop being the way I was.

As much as I was falling in love with the LGBT community, I never planned to come out. I felt that I was bisexual, but to the world Samantha Puckett was straight. I would be able to take care of myself when it came to any bullying, I just didn't want to have to worry about it. Being out meant you had to be brave. I wasn't ready for anything like that.

Carly was the girl of my dreams and my total opposite. I wanted her so badly that it hurt sometimes. My arms would literally ache from the need to hold her in my arms. Nothing was ever going to come from this. My feelings were only going to hurt me.

So I formed a new plan.

-x-

It was the last day of the term. After this was our Christmas break. This meant I didn't really have time to think my plan through. I had a limited amount of time and I wasn't going to let it slip from under my fingers.

Ryan was on the second floor of the school at his locker. It was a surprise that he was always on time to his first class. His friends were late pretty much every day. Bad kids like Ryan weren't all bad. He was wittier and looked for loopholes in the rules instead of blatantly ignoring them.

"Hey Brosef," I greeted.

"Sam, hey," Ryan said looking down at me. He was at least half a foot taller than me. I had to admit that just added to the attraction.

"I was just wondering if you had any plans for the break," I said nonchalantly.

"Well, I won't have to worry about school since this all we've been doing is exams. I'm in between girls at the moment," Ryan thought aloud, "Nope I don't think I have any interesting plans. I'll probably just hang out with the guys. Why do you ask?"

In between girls meant that he probably cheated on Charlotte again. There was this annoying sophomore, Amelia, who was going through older guys like crazy. I had heard about her hooking up with Ryan a few times. He had never been too serious about Charlotte anyways. I never knew why she acted like she could change Ryan.

"Sounds like it's not going to be much fun," I stalled. I didn't want to blurt anything out right away. My chance would be gone if I didn't hurry. "Maybe we could hang out."

"Sure," a small crooked smile appeared. Okay he was really, really cute. "What kind of hanging out?"

"Whatever you want," I tried to match the smile. Oh man my flirting skills could use a lot of work. I realized my words could have a lot of meaning. "I mean most likely whatever you want."

"Sounds good to me," Ryan answered looking me up and down. Did he just check me out? I was nowhere near his type and he was giving me the time of day.

Looks like my love for Carly wouldn't have to be a bother much longer. Part of me felt bad that I was using Ryan, but he was a player. If a relationship formed from this it would be more for what we could gain from each other. Since I had my own needs, I was fine with stooping to that kind of level.

-x-x-x-x-

Rexa13: Reviews make a writer happy. :3


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